| June 30, 2006 Alaskan in Exile by Neil Zawicki West
Bank Story
I was busy building a lamp out of an old steel pot helmet and a 7.62 ammunition can when I received an urgent phone call from Chicago. It was Delcan, and he was three pints into an excited evening. “Turn on the media monitor,” he said, “they’re invading Gaza.” I set down my wire cutters and poured a splash of Maker’s Mark into a Betty Crocker measuring cup before activating the equipment. There it was. Israel had greased up their tanks and gone balls-out into Gaza, all because one Israeli army corporal was kidnapped. The important part is that it didn’t surprise me. The Jewish state of Israel has been a bully ever since their people had their little run-in with the Nazis in the 1940s. It’s classic bully behavior. They were kicked around and nearly exterminated and then settled among their enemies and began building tanks and meeting aggression with the same. They build their own tanks, the Israelis. And they make Uzis – a weapon with design roots in the German 9mm Burp Gun. Think of it. You’ve got these Israeli tanks with the Star of David painted on them, driving through Palestinian buildings. If we’re not careful, we become like our enemy. And the pictures coming out of the Gaza Invasion were nearly Hollywood quality: lots of tanks and personnel carriers, backlit by orange lights as green-shirted Israelis ran around in a blur. I guess if you’re going to have an invasion, you should put together a good PR photo op before fixing bayonets. All for one man, and a soldier, for that matter. Not even the United States of America would invade and entire nation just because one of their troops was nabbed in some back warren in the Holy Land. It’s all spelled out in the enlistment contract: Clause 798b: If you are captured for any reason while on duty, it is your duty to escape. The United States Military will NOT invade that country just to get you out, unless you are related to Bob Dole or Ted Kennedy. I guess the Jews don’t regard such proprieties when assembling their army. They are only interested in punishing the filthy Palestinians for blowing up busses and whipping rocks at soldiers. And if they take one Israeli soldier, it’s Game On. I long ago lost faith in both sides of that idiot conflict, and they deserve to pummel each other into powder over pride and over-developed notions of religious correctness. I didn’t buy it when they pulled out of Gaza, and I never buy it when either side talks about reconciliation. They’re hopeless. Unless, of course, we consider it like a musical. That’s right. A big, jazzy, sing-songy production about honor and love and territory and fighting. We could call it “West Bank Story.” In the musical, two rival gangs, the Shieks and the Jews will live tenuously side by side, until a Sheik girl and a Jewish boy fall in love.” Think of the musical numbers. Songs like, “When you’re a Jew, you’re a Jew all the way. From your first matzo ball to your last dying day…” Or what about, “I feel Yiddish. Oh so Yiddish. I feel kosher and rabbinical and Gay. And I pity the Goy who isn’t me today.” And: “It’s not too safe in Jer-u-sa-lem, you could get killed in Jer-u-sa-lem…” The musical opportunities are endless, as is the conflict. The production would be colorful and hip and exciting, just like the West Bank. On second thought, Broadway would never buy such a musical. It’s just too absurd. Isn’t it? Neil Zawicki, exiled Alaskan, is Editor at Large for Insurgent49, a former reporter for the Alaska Star, and winner of the Alaska Press Club's 'Best Columnist' award. He is now living out the rest of his days in an undisclosed location in Oregon. He can be contacted at - hondo23@gmail.com |
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June 23, 2006 June 16, 2006 June 9, 2006 June 2, 2006 May 26, 2006 May 12, 2006 May 5, 2006 April 28, 2006 April 21, 2006 April 14, 2006 April 7, 2006 March 31, 2006 March 24, 2006 March 17, 2005 March 3, 2006 February 24, 2006 February 17, 2006 February 10, 2006 February 3, 2006 January 27, 2006 January 20, 2006 January 13, 2006 January 6, 2006 December 30, 2005 December 23, 2005 December 16, 2005 December 10, 2005 December 2, 2005 November 25, 2005 November 18, 2005 November 11, 2005 November 4, 2005 October 28, 2005 October 21, 2005 October 14, 2005 October 7, 2005 September 30, 2005 September 23, 2005 September 16, 2005 September 9, 2005 September 2, 2005 August 26, 2005 August 19, 2005 August 12, 2005 August 5, 2005 July 29, 2005 July 22, 2005 July 15, 2005 July 8, 2005 July 1, 2005 June 24, 2005 June 17, 2005 June 10, 2005 June 3, 2005 May 27, 2005 May 20, 2005 May 13, 2005 May 6, 2005 April 29, 2005 April 21, 2005 April 14, 2005 April 7, 2005 April 1, 2005 - also by this
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Reserved. in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership. |
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