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| December 1, 2006 Alaskan in Exile by Neil Zawicki It looks like old Hugo Chavez offered free heating oil to rural Alaskans. It also looks like a handful of them have refused. Why? General principle. “We can say all we want about our president,” said some village leaders, “but no outsider can call our president the devil.” Man, just take the oil. It’s cold out there. And what’s going to happen if you accept oil from a South American strongman in charge of the most oil-rich nation on that continent? What? Is he going to come up there and stay at the Hilton in downtown Anchorage and lord it over everyone that he gave out free oil? “I’m Hugo Chavez, man. I gave you free oil. Gimme another free White Russian, you bastard!” Man, it’s cold. Take the oil. Really. Never give a sucker an even break. It’s not like you have to swear loyalty to Venezuela or make Spanish the official language of Alaska. All you have to do is to take some free heating oil and then keep your families warm for the seven hellishly cold months when the sun only peeks out like a tease. People die in those conditions. Metal breaks like peanut brittle in those conditions. There are planets in the outer Solar System with better weather than the Alaska Interior in February. I almost forgot. We must resist the charms of Hugo Chavez. Our patriotism is at stake. Is there something seriously wrong with you that I haven’t figured out? We’re talking about free oil. Who cares if he hates the president? You’d rather freeze? Brilliant. You’re certainly sending a message to the world. And I’m certain Bush is a little warmer as a result of your gesture. Okay. How about a trade? What about an oil painting of polar bears on ice floes? Or what about those inspired wood carvings of Coho salmon? Give Venezuela some wonderful Alaskan art for the oil. Or maybe a sixer of Alaskan Amber. Would that make you feel better? Imagine the Venezuelan Defense Forces all sporting T-shirts with the word “Alaska” written on them? Oh, better idea. Give ‘em Carhartts. I’m sure there’s a viable trade for the oil. How about Ted Stevens? They’d probably love the little guy down there. Anyway, it’s cold. Try to use your head, you know? How ‘bout this: You take the oil, give Hugo a sixer of Amber and Ted Stevens, and then send this open letter to the world: Dear noble people of the world, Hugo Chavez is a silly little third-world bastard with no regard for the real reality, which involves saying no to little fuckers like Hugo Chavez. We’re serious. And if you think we’re going to take that back, then you're nuts. Because the only real reason in reality that we have been able to come up with for liking Hugo Chavez is that his country has a jungle, and we have always liked jungles. Just not Hugo Chavez. Get it? Really. We think Hugo Chavez should be turned into a mole for his actions. We think Hugo Chavez is a fat little fairy and his feet probably don't line up properly when compared to normal feet. Also, his hair looks stupid. Have you ever seen a world leader with worse hair? And the answer to that question is no. Can you think of a time when Hugo Chavez did anything cool at all? No. Hugo Chavez goes around saying he's cool, but he's not. He's not cool at all. Warmly, The people of Alaska. Neil Zawicki, exiled Alaskan, is Editor at Large for Insurgent49, a former reporter for the Alaska Star, and winner of the Alaska Press Club's 'Best Columnist' award. He is now living out the rest of his days in an undisclosed location in Oregon. He can be contacted at hondo23@gmail.com 'Alaskan In Exile' appears on insurgent49.com every Friday. |
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November 24, 2006 November 17, 2006 November 10, 2006 November 3, 2006 October 27, 2006 October 20, 2006 October 13, 2006 October 6, 2006 September 29, 2006 September 22, 2006 September 15, 2006 September 8, 2006 September 1, 2006 August 25, 2006 August 18, 2006 August 11, 2006 August 4, 2006 July 28, 2006 July 21, 2006 July 14, 2006 June 30, 2006 June 23, 2006 June 16, 2006 June 9, 2006 June 2, 2006 May 26, 2006 May 12, 2006 May 5, 2006 April 28, 2006 April 21, 2006 April 14, 2006 April 7, 2006 March 31, 2006 March 24, 2006 March 17, 2005 March 3, 2006 February 24, 2006 February 17, 2006 February 10, 2006 February 3, 2006 January 27, 2006 January 20, 2006 January 13, 2006 January 6, 2006 December 30, 2005 December 23, 2005 December 16, 2005 December 10, 2005 December 2, 2005 November 25, 2005 November 18, 2005 November 11, 2005 November 4, 2005 October 28, 2005 October 21, 2005 October 14, 2005 October 7, 2005 September 30, 2005 September 23, 2005 September 16, 2005 September 9, 2005 September 2, 2005 August 26, 2005 August 19, 2005 August 12, 2005 August 5, 2005 July 29, 2005 July 22, 2005 July 15, 2005 July 8, 2005 July 1, 2005 June 24, 2005 June 17, 2005 June 10, 2005 June 3, 2005 May 27, 2005 May 20, 2005 May 13, 2005 May 6, 2005 April 29, 2005 April 21, 2005 April 14, 2005 April 7, 2005 April 1, 2005 - also by this
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Reserved. in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership. |
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