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November 18, 2005
Alaskan in Exile
by Neil Zawicki

    When it comes to scandal, Dick Cheney is an old salt. He’s been operating since the Nixon administration, and so is a veteran when it comes to managing the truth when taken to task. Cheney worked for Nixon during the Watergate scandal, and later served on the investigating committee during the Iran-Contra affair. Now he has a lead role in – 
   
     Hold it a minute.

     This is hopeless. I’m writing this stuff week after week for a readership that already agrees with me. And if you read this and don’t agree, if you were simple enough to vote for Bush a second time, then you are conditioned to read things differently than non-conservative voters.

     I must press on. The best I can do from here is to try and help non-conservative voters to understand how Bush supporters read and hear things. Luckily, I have here at the Exile Bunker a highly secret translating device, designed by Edwin Meese in 1973 and manufactured by Westinghouse, which converts reasoned, fact-based discourse into hyper-conservative paranoid rhetoric.

    Here, I’ll go ahead and start over, but this time I’ll run my column through the translator so we can get a look at how conservatives view insurgent49 and other progressive media outlets. This should be an eye-opener.
   
     The machine works like this: The conservative translations will appear in italics beneath each paragraph of my column. Here goes:

     When it comes to scandal, Dick Cheney is an old salt. He’s been operating since the Nixon administration, and so is a veteran when it comes to managing the truth when taken to task. Cheney worked for Nixon during the Watergate scandal, and later served on the investigating committee during the Iran-Contra affair. Now he has a lead role in the latest scandal – the CIA-Valerie Plame leak.

     translation: Speaking of patriotism, Dick Cheney is a shining example of this virtue. His bravery and conviction in the face of adversity has helped our country overcome the worst enemies of our cause, and now he plays a key role in keeping us safe from evil once again.

    Don’t you see? The GOP has the proud distinction of having been the culprit in the three biggest breaches of public trust – not to mention violation of Federal Law – in the past 33 years.
   
     translation: Don’t you see? The Grand Old Party has proudly and patriotically done whatever it takes to ensure that the American Way of Life survives, and has consistently gone to the mat over the past 33 years, and come out on top.

    Nixon went down as a result of his troubles. Reagan played dumb and let a Marine take the bullet for him, and now Bush is lit to pop, and no doubt Cheney is gearing up to beat the rap – a thing he’s learned to do in his career.

     translation: Sure, there have been casualties, as in any war. Saint Nixon was martyred for the cause, and our Holy Father Ronald Reagan was saved by Ollie, the Archangel. Now the prophet Bush is beset by enemies, and only Cheney, in his righteous might, can help him.

     In comparison, the Democrats endured an impeachment over a blowjob, which the GOP loves to cite as an inexcusable lapse in trust by a sitting president (at least we assume he was sitting at the time.)
    
     translation: Of course, we all know what a horrible, godless liar Bill Clinton was, with his sinful, lustful ways, and we thank God in heaven that his evil reign is over.

    What does it take? How clear does it have to be before you stop voting for these guys? Both Bush and Nixon managed to get re-elected after failing to deliver on campaign promises and lying about a war.
   
     translation: What does it take? How many Hitlers will there be before all voters in this great white land know that the only way to protect ourselves from the terrorists is to vote Republican? Both Bush and Nixon were re-elected because the voters knew we were at war, and that the country was attacked, and that the Democrats are godless, leftist flakes who don’t know how to use guns.

     “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”

    Gomer Pyle said that.

    I generally try to avoid making references to television, but I figure if I quote a TV character, maybe you who voted for Bush a second time will be able to better comprehend the message. It’s a little like using a sock puppet to get a toddler to eat his vegetables.
   
     translation: “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”

    Gomer Pyle said that.

    Television is wonderful. I think TV characters are the best things in the whole world. Remember that commercial where the guy wanted to buy a truck but his wife wouldn’t let him and then he said it had a HEMI and he got to buy the truck?

    My toddler loves that commercial.

    But wait a minute, who am I talking to? You? You already agree with me, or you wouldn’t be reading this.

    translation: September 11, 2001. God bless America. You already agree with me, or you wouldn’t be reading this.
 
    Okay, I’ve turned the machine off now. I’m sure we all agree that some of the translations were chilling, but at least now we know a little better how we are perceived by the poor afflicted masses that have been so tragically mislead.
   



   

 
Neil Zawicki, exiled Alaskan, is Editor at Large for Insurgent49, a former reporter for the Alaska Star, and winner of the Alaska Press Club's 'Best Columnist' award. He is now living out the rest of his days in an undisclosed location in Oregon. He can be contacted at -  neil@insurgent49.com
- Columnists -

Editor's Desk
by Aaron Selbig

Red Alert
by Soren Wuerth

Alaskan In Exile
by Neil Zawicki

The
Bramble Bush
by Kevin Morford





- also by this writer -
Copyright 2005 Insurgent Media. All Rights Reserved.
in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership.