| July 1, 2005 Alaskan in Exile by Neil Zawicki It’s official. Ronald Reagan is the best American ever. That according to a vote conducted by the Discovery Channel and America Online. The official, and clearly scientific, findings of the vote have kept my attention in a stranglehold for the past three months, as I eagerly anticipated the results. When I first heard of the “Greatest American” vote, I was at the breakfast table, enjoying some leftover Humbows and reading back issues of Soldier of Fortune (for the articles, of course). I nearly fell backwards in my chair with an excited whoop. “Hot damn!” I thought to myself, “now I have something to track for the next three months!” I immediately designed a charting system to keep track of the evolving results of the vote. I drew a 20-foot-tall graph with all the contenders’ names on the left side: Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, Martin Luther King, Abraham Lincoln, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Elvis Presley, Oprah Winfrey and Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Next, I needed a movable way to indicate each candidate’s progress. As luck would have it, I had three cases of humbows at my disposal; a gift from the Chinese Consulate, in appreciation for my special work. I used the humbows as markers, assigning a humbow to each candidate, placing them higher or lower on the graph, according to the returns. I affixed the humbows with 16-penny galvanized nails, which were relatively easy to remove and re-nail, based on returns. For clarity purposes, I wrote each candidate’s name on his or her humbow with a Sharpie. Each morning was an adventure – a rollercoaster ride of edge-of-my-seat thrills. For two days, Abraham Lincoln’s humbow hovered near the top, edged out only by Oprah’s humbow. Then – and this will go down as the most exciting Thursday of the year – Elvis Presley’s humbow spiked to the top position. I rifled through my CD collection and found my copy of Jailhouse Rock. The album blasted through the halls of the Exile bunker as I dashed around on the catwalk, moving humbows up and down the board. By the end of the day, Bill Clinton was on top, his humbow dangling proudly at the top of the chart. The next day, Benjamin Franklin inched curiously close to FDR, only to drop three slots by morning. For two more months and some change, I faithfully moved the humbows up and down on the board, until finally the results were in: it was Ronald Reagan. I think Reagan would be proud, if he were here, to know that a well-rounded and intelligent American public chose him over the likes of Lincoln, FDR and Oprah as best American ever. But what’s even more encouraging is that we as a people answered the clarion call of a cable TV show and a corporate internet entity, and cast our vote for a man who “didn’t know” about the Iran-Contra affair, deregulated industry and created jobs for homeless shelter workers nationwide. Well done. Neil Zawicki, exiled Alaskan, is Editor at Large for Insurgent49, a former reporter for the Alaska Star, and winner of the Alaska Press Club's 'Best Columnist' award. He is now living out the rest of his days in an undisclosed location in Oregon. He can be contacted at - neil@insurgent49.com |
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June 24, 2005 June 17, 2005 June 10, 2005 June 3, 2005 May 27, 2005 May 20, 2005 May 13, 2005 May 6, 2005 April 29, 2005 April 21, 2005 April 14, 2005 April 7, 2005 April 1, 2005 - also by this
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Insurgent Media. All Rights
Reserved. in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership. |
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