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January 6, 2006
Alaskan in Exile
by Neil Zawicki

    “And then he sent me a bill and knocked me flat off the wagon, and back down on my feet.”
-Townes Van Zandt
   
    Word on the street in Washington is that the president is drinking again. There are also reports trickling out of the inner circle that he lapses into profanity-laced tirades during cabinet meetings, and that he angrily referred to the Constitution as “just a goddamned piece of paper.”

    Indeed. These are nervous days. In a small way, I feel for him. He had such big plans. Like reforming Social Security. What happened to that? And how about that vow to rebuild New Orleans? How? With what? When?

    Beyond that, the little guy had plans to go around kickin’ ass and making America strong and to defeat terrorism, which by the way is like vowing to defeat flanking maneuvers in conventional battle or lateral passes in the NFL. Terrorism is a tactic, and there is no way to effectively wage war against a tactic. My good friend Seamus Heffernen made that observation, and he’s right.

     So, rather than accomplish these goals, our president has managed to alienate even the most simple-minded conservatives, and American citizens traveling abroad have taken to dressing and talking like Austrians or even Canadians to avoid being kidnapped, shot, stabbed, spat upon or just plain refused service in some of the finest French bistros on the Riviera.

    Thanks, George, for putting the “ugly” back in American.

    And if I had any intention of getting up in front of the American people and declaring that I think it’s okay to spy on you without good reason and that “we don’t torture” while down in GitMo, Navy SEALs are pissing on prisoners that are tied up and dunked in ice water while listening to Metallica CDs, I’d probably start drinking again, too. That is, if I’d ever stopped in the first place.

    I never have a good feeling when people say they’ve stopped drinking. And when they start talking God while advertising their sobriety, you can be sure that cruel and uneasy weather is just over the horizon. As if that’s not enough, take a “newly sober” God-a-holic and put him in charge of the free world. To quote Mr. Aaron Selbig: “This can only end badly.”

    Actually, if in fact the president is drinking again, maybe this next three years will be a little better than the last five. At the onset of World War II, Winston Churchill moved into the White House and ordered a steady supply of brandy. Can you imagine how things would have gone if he’d quit drinking?

    Churchill was famous for declaring, “I’ve gotten more out of alcohol than alcohol has gotten out of me.”

    Our president could never be so eloquent. He mangles words when he’s sober.
No sir, I do not envy any friend of Bill W put in charge of the United States of America at this period in history.

     Being president must be hard work. Whatever gets you through the night, George.





 




   


























 
Neil Zawicki, exiled Alaskan, is Editor at Large for Insurgent49, a former reporter for the Alaska Star, and winner of the Alaska Press Club's 'Best Columnist' award. He is now living out the rest of his days in an undisclosed location in Oregon. He can be contacted at -  neil@insurgent49.com
- Columnists -

Editor's Desk
by Aaron Selbig

Red Alert
by Soren Wuerth

Alaskan In Exile
by Neil Zawicki

The
Bramble Bush
by Kevin Morford





- also by this writer -
Copyright 2005 Insurgent Media. All Rights Reserved.
in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership.