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October 7, 2005
Alaskan in Exile
by Neil Zawicki

     It’s good to be back at the Exile bunker, although the ocean and Hawaii made for a good retreat. After throwing all the switches and bringing the tubes up to operational temperature, the media monitoring equipment warmed to life like an old friend. Soon all systems were Go, and a kettle of tea sat steaming on the stove.

     My sublime reunion with home hit a sharp and rattling note, however, when I learned who – or rather what – Bush had picked to replace retiring justice Sandra Day O’Connor.

    There are some things that a journalist who once covered the military and has a father who works in the extreme high tech defense industry feels duty-bound to keep from the public. There are some things that shatter the conventions of science fiction and go straight into modern horror. But the cold, blank visage of Harriet Miers compels me to reveal this awful secret I’ve been harboring all these years.

    I’m afraid there’s no simple way to put it. The GOP has been manufacturing humanoid robotic servants for the past decade.

    I know this is a hard thing to read. I know I am breaking some pretty serious pacts by revealing this information, but my conscience will not let me remain silent.

    You’ve no doubt noticed that these appointees – John Roberts, Harriet Miers, and Karl Rove, to name three, have appeared seemingly out of thin air. Senators from both camps declared they knew nothing of Roberts’ and Miers' careers, and were eager to learn.

    That’s because they never existed before now. It is no accident that all of these people have the same vacant, calculated gaze on their “faces.” It is no accident that they are hopelessly white. This is because scientists and engineers at Northrop Grumman in Manhattan Beach Calif. found that to make a robotic servant any ethnicity but white required very complicated personality programming. In fact, Northrop engineer Tamsen Dunn, frustrated with attempts to create a Brazilian robotic servant, remarked in May of 2003, “Why don’t you just call God if you want these things to have soul.”

    That’s it. White people are simple. They talk, make dry references to co-workers or out-of-date pop culture, and have a tremendous capacity for blind party line compliance.

    Beyond the simplicity of replicating white people, the defense department set out to integrate Artificial Intelligence into humanoid political mouthpieces, and that’s how the Midwestern appearance was chosen over other regional features. Further, in thousands of secret tests involving pitched dinner parties where researchers mixed their humanoids in with some White House staffers and several members of MENSA, the Midwestern, bland, country club type fared far better than other prototypes in normal conversation.

    Currently, there are somewhere near 73 robotic humanoid servants in the GOP. Four are congressmen. I’m afraid from here I can’t reveal the others, because after all I have a daughter to protect.

    Nonetheless, now that this information is public, you can work to spot these sinister machines at work in our government. Look for telltale signs like blue blazers and striped ties. The “female” humanoids sport horrific eye makeup, and hair that looks like the hair on a child’s doll produced during the early 1970s.

    These humanoids also do a lot of nodding, and may repeat phrases like, “let me be clear,” and “To my mind…”

    I regret that I have to be the messenger of this nightmare come true, but if nothing else, the blow may be softened when it all becomes clear, and the world as we know it fades into the stuff of folklore.
   





Neil Zawicki, exiled Alaskan, is Editor at Large for Insurgent49, a former reporter for the Alaska Star, and winner of the Alaska Press Club's 'Best Columnist' award. He is now living out the rest of his days in an undisclosed location in Oregon. He can be contacted at -  neil@insurgent49.com
- Columnists -

Editor's Desk
by Aaron Selbig

Red Alert
by Soren Wuerth

Alaskan In Exile
by Neil Zawicki

The
Bramble Bush
by Kevin Morford





- also by this writer -
Copyright 2005 Insurgent Media. All Rights Reserved.
in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership.