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| September 29, 2006 Alaskan in Exile by Neil Zawicki President Bush this week said that he will release parts of a classified report that say the war in Iraq is fueling terrorist activity worldwide, but that he strongly disagrees with the findings. He also said he would reveal a classified report that declares the tooth fairy is imaginary. Also, top officials in his administration report he has now been informed that the Earth travels around the sun every 24 hours, and that water is composed of Hydrogen and Oxygen. Earlier this week, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice explained to the president how the process of photosynthesis works, and his wife, Laura, revealed to him that she was not a virgin when they were married. In related news, Bush’s daughter Barbara is said to have shown him a sample of a plant she told him was called grass, and said the lawn was made out of it. “These people are entitled to their opinions,” Mr. Bush said in a statement. While at lunch, a waitress told the president that a side salad does not come with the southwestern cheeseburger, and that free refills only apply to iced tea. The president asked one of his aides to look into the matter, calling the information, “troubling.” After lunch, while riding back to the White House, Mr. Bush’s driver explained to him that the 2005 Plymouth limousine in which he was riding used internal combustion to move forward, and that the seats were made out of vinyl. “I’m with you on the internal combustion,” the president said, “but I’m not buying the line about the vinyl.” Later that evening, Mr. Bush, with the aide of his senior cabinet adviser on energy, was shown the back of his hand. To this, the president exclaimed, “you’re a tricky one, Roger,” and then he made his way to the kitchen, where White House Head Chef Timothy Montero told him that milk, in most cases, comes from cows. “Then where does it come from other times?” asked the president. “Goats, Mr. President.” replied Montero. “No way,” declared Mr. Bush. At a late meeting with his commerce secretary, Mr. Bush became agitated when informed that the chamber of commerce is not, and never has been pressurized. “It’s not a chamber in the sense of a scuba tank or maybe a rifle barrel,” replied madam secretary,” it’s a collection of people. “Mary, maybe someday you’ll understand,” said Mr. Bush. Much later that evening, President Bush reportedly awoke from a dream in which Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, accompanied by several members of the Swiss heavy metal band Krokus, told him to look in the presidential kitchen behind the Hobart mixing machine, where he would find a toy submarine left behind in 1963 by President John F. Kennedy’s then eight-year-old son, Robert, and that the submarine will have the word, “special” carved on it. The President is said to have found exactly such a toy behind the mixing machine, but dismissed the event as simple coincidence. Later in the morning, during a key cabinet meeting and video conference with Russian President Vladimir Putin, the president was told that Russia was once part of the Soviet Union, but he dismissed the statement as “pure conjecture.” Next, Vice President Richard Cheney produced a deck of playing cards and asked the president if he would like to play a game of 52 pick up. At this, Rice put her arm on the vice president’s shoulder, saying, “Dick, that’s just too much.” At a press conference later in the day, Washington Post reporter Walt Kilpatrick asked the president again about the classified report on the Iraq War, and wondered if the entire document would ever be declassified. The president called such a measure “unnecessary,” and went on to call Kilpatrick naïve for considering such a move. Kilpatrick then cited several opinions from prominent historians who all said no occupying army has ever won the favor of the population it controlled, no matter what the reason for invasion, and that historically, oppressed people have mounted successful guerrilla campaigns to push such occupiers from their country. To this, the president replied, “But I bet none of them were from Texas.” Next, senior White House Correspondent Helen Thomas raised her hand and asked, “Mr. President, can you tell us where babies come from?” Neil Zawicki, exiled Alaskan, is Editor at Large for Insurgent49, a former reporter for the Alaska Star, and winner of the Alaska Press Club's 'Best Columnist' award. He is now living out the rest of his days in an undisclosed location in Oregon. He can be contacted at - hondo23@gmail.com |
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September 22, 2006 September 15, 2006 September 8, 2006 September 1, 2006 August 25, 2006 August 18, 2006 August 11, 2006 August 4, 2006 July 28, 2006 July 21, 2006 July 14, 2006 June 30, 2006 June 23, 2006 June 16, 2006 June 9, 2006 June 2, 2006 May 26, 2006 May 12, 2006 May 5, 2006 April 28, 2006 April 21, 2006 April 14, 2006 April 7, 2006 March 31, 2006 March 24, 2006 March 17, 2005 March 3, 2006 February 24, 2006 February 17, 2006 February 10, 2006 February 3, 2006 January 27, 2006 January 20, 2006 January 13, 2006 January 6, 2006 December 30, 2005 December 23, 2005 December 16, 2005 December 10, 2005 December 2, 2005 November 25, 2005 November 18, 2005 November 11, 2005 November 4, 2005 October 28, 2005 October 21, 2005 October 14, 2005 October 7, 2005 September 30, 2005 September 23, 2005 September 16, 2005 September 9, 2005 September 2, 2005 August 26, 2005 August 19, 2005 August 12, 2005 August 5, 2005 July 29, 2005 July 22, 2005 July 15, 2005 July 8, 2005 July 1, 2005 June 24, 2005 June 17, 2005 June 10, 2005 June 3, 2005 May 27, 2005 May 20, 2005 May 13, 2005 May 6, 2005 April 29, 2005 April 21, 2005 April 14, 2005 April 7, 2005 April 1, 2005 - also by this
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Reserved. in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership. |
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