| August 11, 2006 Alaskan in Exile by Neil Zawicki The Television of the United States, part
six
 [Editor's Note:
To catch up on the previous installments of Neil Zawicki's 'The
Television of the United States', click here for parts 1 through 3, here for part 4 and here for part five. Enjoy.]Luke woke up when the sun came through the window and hit his face like a blast of hot water. Johanna was sitting next to him, sipping coffee and reading an old history textbook. When she noticed he was awake, she began to read out loud. “In declaring its independence from the Television of the United States and citing the pervasiveness of television and other mass media as a key corrupter of society, White Dot Collective founder Clement Hondo Pastoriak declared Tuesday that the newly-formed nation would prohibit the use, purveyance or proliferation of any such medium.” Luke sat up and rubbed his face. “Where’d you find that?” he asked. She kept reading. “Television of the United States seasonal president Seth Jacobson, whose election platform included several off-color jokes about people who don’t watch TV and a high-energy dance routine, said of the declaration, “I wish them luck, but if they get bored, they can always come over here to watch TV.” “That was a big day, man,” Luke said. “It was kind of weird and exciting at the same time, you know? I mean, we were a new nation.” “And no TV,” Johanna said. “Yep.” “Was that hard, not to have TV?” she asked. “Not really,” he said. “We already didn’t watch.” “Did your family work with the independence movement?” she asked. “I guess you could say that.” Said Luke, “My dad is Clement Hondo Pastoriak.” “Get out,” said Johanna. “No, really, he’s my dad. My dad is the father of the White Dot Collective.” “And now you want to be president.” “Of the Television of the United States,” said Luke. “And if you win,” continued Johanna, “then we’ll have a president Pastoriak.” “Wouldn’t that blow their minds?” Luke said with a smile. “Whose minds?” Johanna asked, “ours, or your family’s?” Luke hesitated. “Yours, of course. The viewer citizens.” Johanna just stared, and shook her head. The rest of the day found Luke and Johanna standing in line to sign up for Real American President. It looked like they were standing in line with circus performers. People in American flag top hats stood next to others in glittery jumpsuits, and all along the wall were television screens, blasting slogans and clips from previous shows. One massive screen beckoned the contestants closer to the sign up desk, and Luke began to get excited. Johanna did not share the interest, but liked Luke’s company, so she tolerated the situation. Luke wore a motorcycle helmet painted like an American flag, with yellow letters that read “Evel Pastoriak.” He stood silently as Johanna eyed the helmet. “How’d you ever come up with that?” “What, Evel Pastoriak?” he asked, puffing with pride. “You know, like the daredevil ... “ Johanna cut him off. “I get it,” she said. “Are you gonna do stunts?” “Something like that,” said Luke. “Evel Pastoriak. Daredevil son of Clement Hondo Pastoriak.” “It just might work,” said Johanna, rolling her eyes. The massive screen boomed out orders for the next contestant in line to approach the window. That was Luke. He stepped forward and signed up. The clerk read his helmet as he filled out the form. “That’s a nice helmet,” she said, smacking her gum. “Isn’t Pastoriak that one guy that said no TV ever?” she asked. Her co-clerk corrected her. “No, Kelsey, his name was Hondo. He was a rebel against TV. But he’s, like dead now.” Luke looked up and smiled. “Nice touch,” said the clerk. Luke completed the form, turned around to face the line of waiting contestants, and threw his fists into the air. Neil Zawicki, exiled Alaskan, is Editor at Large for Insurgent49, a former reporter for the Alaska Star, and winner of the Alaska Press Club's 'Best Columnist' award. He is now living out the rest of his days in an undisclosed location in Oregon. He can be contacted at - hondo23@gmail.com |
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Columnists -
- column archive -
August 4, 2006 July 28, 2006 July 21, 2006 July 14, 2006 June 30, 2006 June 23, 2006 June 16, 2006 June 9, 2006 June 2, 2006 May 26, 2006 May 12, 2006 May 5, 2006 April 28, 2006 April 21, 2006 April 14, 2006 April 7, 2006 March 31, 2006 March 24, 2006 March 17, 2005 March 3, 2006 February 24, 2006 February 17, 2006 February 10, 2006 February 3, 2006 January 27, 2006 January 20, 2006 January 13, 2006 January 6, 2006 December 30, 2005 December 23, 2005 December 16, 2005 December 10, 2005 December 2, 2005 November 25, 2005 November 18, 2005 November 11, 2005 November 4, 2005 October 28, 2005 October 21, 2005 October 14, 2005 October 7, 2005 September 30, 2005 September 23, 2005 September 16, 2005 September 9, 2005 September 2, 2005 August 26, 2005 August 19, 2005 August 12, 2005 August 5, 2005 July 29, 2005 July 22, 2005 July 15, 2005 July 8, 2005 July 1, 2005 June 24, 2005 June 17, 2005 June 10, 2005 June 3, 2005 May 27, 2005 May 20, 2005 May 13, 2005 May 6, 2005 April 29, 2005 April 21, 2005 April 14, 2005 April 7, 2005 April 1, 2005 - also by this
writer -
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| Copyright 2005
Insurgent Media. All Rights
Reserved. in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership. |
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