| July 14, 2006 Alaskan in Exile by Neil Zawicki I was busy building a recliner out of an old F-104 Starfighter ejection seat and the trigger housing from a tracked artillery piece when I received an urgent phone call from Chicago. It was Delcan, and he was nearly beside himself with laughter. “Hey man! I’m taking a whole southwestern Fadoodle next month and you should come along to…” There was a long pause, and I could hear what sounded like barstools dragging across linoleum, coupled with people muttering things like “out” and “here we go again,” and “bring on the bomb.” “Okay mister,” Delcan said, “are you ready? Israel’s goin’ again.” I set down my channel-locks and poured a splash of Gordon’s Gin into a mason jar and then turned on the media monitor. There it was. Israel had mounted a classic general invasion of Lebanon. They came by land, sea and air, and were going like crazed bats for Beruit, bayoneting cattle and tossing satchel charges into schools along the way. All because two Israeli soldiers had been kidnapped by Hezbollah. Apparently, if you want to get a massive, unreasonably violent reaction out of Israel, all you have to do is take some of their soldiers. “I think we should go,” Delcan shouted. “Let’s fly out to Beruit and take pictures.” “That’s a bad idea,” I said. “We’d miss the mark if we did that, not to mention possibly end up on CNN without our heads. Let’s wait until Iran jumps in, and then we can take pictures of some real Big League action.” We decided that night to accept the fact that war is exciting; a high-speed sport where the losers are stacked like cordwood, and the winners hold parades, and pin medals on young heroes who will likely go on to a life of paranoid spasms and nightmarish memories. Yes, sir. Pass the hotdogs and let’s get a wave going. And anyway, I think they really like it over there in the viciously dysfunctional Middle East. They live by the sword, and make it their business to keep the party going. It’s time we get behind them and feed the flames. We have no choice. “I’m getting an M-60 tomorrow,” Delcan said. “I know this guy in Wrigleyville that will probably trade for my 1963 Norton.” “Good idea,” I said. “I’ll need about 7,000 rounds for my SKS, but I’m sure I can find them somewhere in The Pearl.” Yee haw. It’s war time. And the sooner the Iranians get their little development project off the ground, the sooner it’s flash burns and radiation sickness all ‘round. With any luck, Syria will nab some Israelis next week, and then the Masaad can drop in and rip out some throats there. I for one have seen the light. Let’s just get it all over with. The idiots win. Let’s get the shootin’ started. “I’ll put $300 dollars on the Lebanese,” Delcan offered. “They have the home field advantage, and the Israelis are overstretched by now.” “Done,” I said. “but I’ll raise it to $600 and predict that the Israelis take Beirut by August.” “You’re crazy,” Delcan replied. “Maybe so, but Israel’s out for blood, and they’ve got all those tanks. I’m with them on this one.” “Double or nothing Iran blows up something big in Tel Aviv.” “That’s a safe bet,” I said. “I’d lose for certain if I bet against it.” “This is so exciting,” Delcan said. “No kidding,” I replied. “It’s like Christmas, Hanukah and Ramadan all wrapped up in razor wire and hand grenades.” “God bless it.” Neil Zawicki, exiled Alaskan, is Editor at Large for Insurgent49, a former reporter for the Alaska Star, and winner of the Alaska Press Club's 'Best Columnist' award. He is now living out the rest of his days in an undisclosed location in Oregon. He can be contacted at - hondo23@gmail.com |
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June 30, 2006 June 23, 2006 June 16, 2006 June 9, 2006 June 2, 2006 May 26, 2006 May 12, 2006 May 5, 2006 April 28, 2006 April 21, 2006 April 14, 2006 April 7, 2006 March 31, 2006 March 24, 2006 March 17, 2005 March 3, 2006 February 24, 2006 February 17, 2006 February 10, 2006 February 3, 2006 January 27, 2006 January 20, 2006 January 13, 2006 January 6, 2006 December 30, 2005 December 23, 2005 December 16, 2005 December 10, 2005 December 2, 2005 November 25, 2005 November 18, 2005 November 11, 2005 November 4, 2005 October 28, 2005 October 21, 2005 October 14, 2005 October 7, 2005 September 30, 2005 September 23, 2005 September 16, 2005 September 9, 2005 September 2, 2005 August 26, 2005 August 19, 2005 August 12, 2005 August 5, 2005 July 29, 2005 July 22, 2005 July 15, 2005 July 8, 2005 July 1, 2005 June 24, 2005 June 17, 2005 June 10, 2005 June 3, 2005 May 27, 2005 May 20, 2005 May 13, 2005 May 6, 2005 April 29, 2005 April 21, 2005 April 14, 2005 April 7, 2005 April 1, 2005 - also by this
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Reserved. in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership. |
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