| April 7, 2006 Alaskan in Exile by Neil Zawicki  I’m not entirely certain where to begin, but let’s start with the earrings. Those little pearl buttons make perfect dainty bookends for the mean-eyed scowl that never seems to leave Madam Secretary’s face. The lipstick puts an edge on the look as well, but that hair just does not seem to fit. It makes her a strange hybrid between Sandra Bernhardt and the Reverend Al Sharpton. I’ve been losing sleep lately trying to come to grips with the notion that Condoleeza Rice manages without fail to photograph as if she is angry beyond reason. How can it be that each time a camera lens blinks in her face for less than one second, she is in the middle of a hate scowl? I have developed many theories on the matter, not the least of which is the idea that Ms. Rice is a under the influence of a high-yield Pentagon administered narcotic that causes her to toggle back and forth between wholesome and diplomatic and simply vicious with the frequency of a strobe light. It is also possible that she is so tuned into the power of image and her role as the bringer of strong arm foreign policy that she can flash such a tense and fearsome expression as easily as some starlets can light a smile in the time it takes for a flash bulb to pop. Maybe, however, she is always in a state of grudgingly bitter angst. And further, maybe she alters her expression so constantly that only the lens of a camera can record any given glare. She has been known to smile, however, but only in a fleeting, trustless sort of way, and then she goes right back into the scowling. Needless to say, it is not good for business to have your primary mouthpiece going around glaring at people and gritting their teeth and crinkling their lips to such a degree that their Maybelene 24-hour ruby dream lipstick looks like a clump of red flags piled up around a haphazard row of blank dominoes.  Maybe I’m missing the point. Maybe the Scary Face is a tried and true method in international diplomacy. Perhaps Ms. Rice knows a little something about dealing with the international community that I do not. Maybe the Scary Face is a technique that transcends my understanding. Come to think of it, Dick Cheney employs the Scary Face, too. I wonder who thought of it first. Regardless, I just think there are better ways to appear on camera, especially when you have such a hard sell in the first place. Condi, if you’re reading this, please take my advice and smile more. And maybe wear a little color. I know you’re out there every day loading foreign dignitaries up with rhetoric that rings a little more hollow with each passing hour, and I’m sure it makes for tense conversation at dinner functions, but when you go around glaring at the camera and narrowing your eyes, it can only make things worse. That is, unless of course you have a secret or an inescapable dependency on Pentagon-administered drugs.  And try to play more piano. Love, Neil
Neil Zawicki, exiled Alaskan, is Editor at Large for Insurgent49, a former reporter for the Alaska Star, and winner of the Alaska Press Club's 'Best Columnist' award. He is now living out the rest of his days in an undisclosed location in Oregon. He can be contacted at - hondo23@gmail.com |
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