| March 31, 2006 Alaskan in Exile by Neil Zawicki 
I’ve been very excited these last few days, because I know that
soon the good voters of Anchorage will take a long lunch hour and then
walk around the rest of the day with a little sticker on their shirts
that tells the world they did their civic duty and voted. It is my most
sincere hope that I get your vote on that wonderful day for democracy.The day I take office up there, I will appoint Nostrodamus to the newly formed post of Lord of Media, which will eliminate the public relations office all together, and get straight to the jugular. I know what you’re thinking: Nostrodamus is dead. How on earth can he serve as Lord of Media? Don’t you see? Right away I’ll be saving money. In my administration, the Lord of Media will exist in the form of the volumes of Quatrains left behind by the man. We can wheel the media in for a press conference each Thursday, as other mayors have done, but instead of some sharp-tongued huckster fielding questions and making sweeping and overly positive declarations about the state of the city, we’ll have a seven-foot-tall cardboard stand-up of Nostrodamus, with an audio feed of an actor dramatically reading two or three of his Quatrains. For clarity purposes, we’ll have on hand a faculty member from UAA’s World Literature department, and that person will expertly interpret the words of Mr. Nostrodamus for the erstwhile media. I’ll lay odds that most won’t even notice a difference, and the ones that do will take pictures. The Lord of Media will also work closely with the member of the broadcast media community in Anchorage, in an attempt to predict hair and blouse trends among the anchors. Of course each print media outlet in Anchorage will be allowed to host the Lord of Media in their newsroom for exactly one week every six months, but will be required by state law to erect a shrine to the Lord of Media, complete with votive candles and sandalwood incense cones. The Lord of Media will also make things a little bit fun over at city hall, with the addition of “Lord of Media Dress Up Day”, during which attorney and Anchorage Assembly member Allan Tesche will dress up as Nostrodamus and spend the day lighting little oil fires in the hallway near the elevators. Also, on Lord of Media Dress Up Day, all media outlets, print and otherwise, will be required by law to print verbatim the press releases they received that week. No news. Just the releases. This will effectively give most editors and journalists a day off, while some will feel as if it is just another workday. In anticipation of my election, I’ve gone ahead and emailed Mr. Tesche to confirm whether or not he would be willing to dress up as Nostrodamus one Tuesday each quarter, and I am awaiting his response. Below is a copy of that email: Hello Mr. Tesche, As you know, I’m gearing up to launch my administration as mayor of Anchorage, allowing the election goes in our favor come April 4, and have prepared several new policy changes, not the least of which will be the creation of a new post, designed to eliminate the public relations department all together. The new post will be Lord of Media and will consist of a cardboard stand up of Nostrodamus, a collection of his Quatrains, and regular conferences with members of the Anchorage journalism community. We will, of course, employ an interpreter for the Quatrains, and hire a damn good actor to read them on recorded discs. My question to you is, would you be willing to dress up as Mr. Nostrodamus and light small oil fires in the hallways near the elevators on one Tuesday each Quarter? This day would be “Lord of Media dress up day,” and it is my hope that for this day we can pass legislation making it illegal for any media entity to publish or broadcast anything but straight press releases. This shouldn’t be a big problem for some editors, while others may find it a bit more difficult. Regardless, please let me know if you would be willing to wear the costume. Yours,
Neil Thomas Zawicki Neil Zawicki, exiled Alaskan, is Editor at Large for Insurgent49, a former reporter for the Alaska Star, and winner of the Alaska Press Club's 'Best Columnist' award. He is now living out the rest of his days in an undisclosed location in Oregon. He can be contacted at - hondo23@gmail.com |
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Columnists -
- column archive -
March 24, 2006 March 17, 2005 March 3, 2006 February 24, 2006 February 17, 2006 February 10, 2006 February 3, 2006 January 27, 2006 January 20, 2006 January 13, 2006 January 6, 2006 December 30, 2005 December 23, 2005 December 16, 2005 December 10, 2005 December 2, 2005 November 25, 2005 November 18, 2005 November 11, 2005 November 4, 2005 October 28, 2005 October 21, 2005 October 14, 2005 October 7, 2005 September 30, 2005 September 23, 2005 September 16, 2005 September 9, 2005 September 2, 2005 August 26, 2005 August 19, 2005 August 12, 2005 August 5, 2005 July 29, 2005 July 22, 2005 July 15, 2005 July 8, 2005 July 1, 2005 June 24, 2005 June 17, 2005 June 10, 2005 June 3, 2005 May 27, 2005 May 20, 2005 May 13, 2005 May 6, 2005 April 29, 2005 April 21, 2005 April 14, 2005 April 7, 2005 April 1, 2005 - also by this
writer -
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Insurgent Media. All Rights
Reserved. in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership. |
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