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| March 23, 2007 Alaskan in Exile by Neil Zawicki, insurgent49 It’s very early in the morning, and several red candles continue to burn near the world map skull and the lamp that changed my life. We’ve just completed the first official meeting of our highly secret society, The Chosen Nine. Using the latent power of the society, not to mention several dry erase boards and a freezer full of microwave burritos, Delcan and I have completed our first function as the society, and it is no small undertaking. We have developed a set of strategies that will end the war in Iraq. Through secret means, the operational dialogue of our meeting was recorded, and I have provided that transcript below. Bear in mind that certain words and phrases can not be revealed, so we ask you to tolerate the necessary censorship of the text: Transcript of the first meeting of The Chosen Nine, recorded in the realistic year 2007: All rise. From the manifest power of the collective XXXXXX of XXXXXX, we evoke you to deliver our message. All say yay. Yay. Mister Montgomery will now light to favored candles and declare the master of the month to be XXXXXXXX XXXX as well as a collection of several XXXXXXX. And so speak. Our task tonight is to end the war in Iraq. Indeed. What we know is that 10,000 people in Portland alone took to the streets last Sunday to oppose the war. The papers said 10,000. These were reporters. Indeed. The number is unreliable. For what reason? Simple. These reporters do nothing more than toddle out to the protest with their lattes and their notebooks, ask some removed questions, make some glib observations and conduct a rough head count. So say all these same reporters did the same at the start of the war. They just hitched a ride with the soldiers and observed. Yes. The reporters treat the protesters and the warriors like specimens, affecting nothing but the advanced agenda of their subjects. Puppets. Puppets all. To decree by the notions of XXXXXXX. Agreed. Resolved: The puppet media has become so very limp and devoid of action that it is relegated to empty headed reporting of the actions of the ones who are actually doing things. Allowed: The reporters were controlled by the military at the onset of the war, and now they are controlled by the rising tide of opposition to the very thing they reported with no sense of social courage to tell the real story. And now people have died. Many. So say you; the reporters have lost the right to participate, and in fact never participated beyond parroting the plans and messages of the active members of society. Resolution one: take the puppets out, and put honest witnesses in. Define an honest witness. This is one not held to an editorial agenda, and not one dazzled by the spoon feeding on news. Puppets fuel the fires of war. Indeed. And they have no right to now hop the protest train after irresponsibly portraying the invasion as a glamorous event to promote themselves and their by lines. Agreed. So be it on this night that the media puppets are a component contributing to the war. Okay, let’s break for burritos. Good idea. And how long should we microwave them? If frozen, microwave on high for XXXX minutes. Would you like cheese and salsa? XXX. Very well. Meeting resumed at 1 a.m., according to XXXXXXX time. All rise. Deliver the chant. Yay nod, tingle, bram XXXXX kanab, sut. XXXXXXX XXXX XXX XXXXX XX XXX XXXXXXXXX. Never more. It is declared the media are puppets and should be replaced by honest witnesses. To this end, we will implement an airdrop of writers, many of whom may be killed, but most of which will send honest reports of the war. No more puppets. Second condition: To listen to the people. The troops should return to their homes and their families, and only those who still believe in the violence will go and commit such acts. Resolved, all employees of Halliburton, the Bush Administration, and the White House Press Corps will serve combat rotations in Iraq. Also, all the people who flip off protesters and call protest un-supportive of the troops should serve in combat as well. Agreed. And Karl Rove. Karl Rove should be made to lose 43 pounds and then undergo rigorous urban warfare training. And then sent to Iraq. No. To Compton. Agreed. So say it, by the order of the XXXX XXXXXXXXXX, The Chosen Nine declares the way to end the war in Iraq is to remove the puppet media and replace with honest witnesses, bring the troops home and replace with Halliburton and The Bush Administration and the White House Press Corps ( in a combat capacity. The puppets will not be allowed to write) and Karl Rove will be slimmed down, trained up and sent to Compton. So declared, and this ends the first meeting. Good. Could you pass the maXXXXXna? Neil Zawicki, exiled Alaskan, is Editor at Large for Insurgent49, a former reporter for the Alaska Star, and winner of the Alaska Press Club's 'Best Columnist' award. He is now living out the rest of his days in an undisclosed location in Oregon. He can be contacted at hondo23@gmail.com 'Alaskan In Exile' appears on insurgent49.com every Friday. |
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