| March 17, 2006 Alaskan in Exile by Neil Zawicki It’s been a while since I launched a vicious attack on the dull-eyed Wal-Mart enthusiasts that continue to support the president. So, here’s to the 28-percenters, with their fairy tale faith and their low-end capacity for critical thought. These are special people. They’re the kind who hold on to their support even after seeing videotape of the president being briefed on the impending failures of the New Orleans levees in the days before Hurricane Katrina, about which he later said “nobody expected the levees to break.” The 28-percenters are more interested in the neat new Army uniforms than the fact that Bush – who loves our troops – tried in 2003 to cut billions in veterans benefits – including medical care. His attempt failed when the American Legion stepped up and challenged the idea. Still, the 28-percenters never noticed and, anyway, it’s probably bad business sense to care for veterans after they’ve had limbs blown off, right? That’s right, 28-percenters, our president is the most right and correct and bestest president ever, and I think it was really cool when he had a Navy A-6 Intruder pilot land him on an aircraft carrier off the coast of San Diego, where he stood in a flight suit in front of a banner that read “Mission Accomplished.” And you know, 28-percenters, that it is stuff like that that makes a really great president. Yay, 28-percenters! You’re all so smart, you get a pizza party! Does anybody remember when the president went to Brazil and looked at a map of that country and said, “Wow, Brazil is big”? That was a very presidential thing to say, don’t you think, 28-percenters? I’ll bet if somebody showed you a map of the world, and then spent an hour or two helping you find Brazil, you’d probably say it was big, too. And you’d be right, 28-percenters. And for that you could have another pizza party! Okay, okay, settle down. We should think of the serious things, too, like how the vice president accidentally shot his friend in the face, and then his friend had a mild heart attack because there was a lead bb lodged in his heart. The president is the vice-president’s boss, right, 28-percenters? And you all know that the president got very mad at the vice president for shooting his friend in the face, and he made him go and tell everybody what he did. That’s because he’s a good president. And you’re all good voters, you 28-percenters. Remember when the president told our army guys to attack Iraq because Saddam had bad weapons and he was gonna use them on us? That was right before he did that cool Mission Accomplished thing. And then do you remember when the president decided instead that he told our army guys to attack Iraq so Iraq could be free? And then remember when he decided that there were never bad weapons in the first place? I’ll bet all that crazy talk made your heads hurt, didn’t it? But because you’re all so smart, you understood that the president knew what he was doing, and that the mission was accomplished. I mean, it said so right there on the banner. I’ll also bet that all you 28-percenters got an even bigger headache when you kept seeing that people were dying in Iraq, even after the mission was accomplished, but then probably you saw a commercial about a new truck or a show with a duck in it, and you felt happy again, so you went to a great big store and bought a lot of inexpensive and unnecessary stuff that was made by impoverished people in Asia and then you went home and ate an unseemly quantity of processed foods and got just a little bit fatter and a little bit dumber, and a little bit happier, so everything was okay after all. That’s because you’re the 28-percenters, and you’re all so very, very special. Neil Zawicki, exiled Alaskan, is Editor at Large for Insurgent49, a former reporter for the Alaska Star, and winner of the Alaska Press Club's 'Best Columnist' award. He is now living out the rest of his days in an undisclosed location in Oregon. He can be contacted at - neil@insurgent49.com |
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March 3, 2006 February 24, 2006 February 17, 2006 February 10, 2006 February 3, 2006 January 27, 2006 January 20, 2006 January 13, 2006 January 6, 2006 December 30, 2005 December 23, 2005 December 16, 2005 December 10, 2005 December 2, 2005 November 25, 2005 November 18, 2005 November 11, 2005 November 4, 2005 October 28, 2005 October 21, 2005 October 14, 2005 October 7, 2005 September 30, 2005 September 23, 2005 September 16, 2005 September 9, 2005 September 2, 2005 August 26, 2005 August 19, 2005 August 12, 2005 August 5, 2005 July 29, 2005 July 22, 2005 July 15, 2005 July 8, 2005 July 1, 2005 June 24, 2005 June 17, 2005 June 10, 2005 June 3, 2005 May 27, 2005 May 20, 2005 May 13, 2005 May 6, 2005 April 29, 2005 April 21, 2005 April 14, 2005 April 7, 2005 April 1, 2005 - also by this
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Reserved. in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership. |
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