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February 17, 2006
Alaskan in Exile
by Neil Zawicki

     There are less than two months left in the Anchorage Mayoral Race, and there has been a lot of rhetoric in this campaign. I understand how difficult it can be to sort it all out and finally make a decision. So, I’ve decided it just wouldn’t be Christian of me not to give the voters a clear picture of my beliefs and principles.

     As you know, I have been studying Nostradamus and his predictions, and so I feel I have a special insight the other candidates do not.

     Let me be clear: the world as we know it will end in six years, and there is no avoiding that fact. Accordingly, as your mayor I will work to ensure a clean transition from an ordered society to a lawless, fractured and chaotic nuclear winter-stricken existence. It wont be easy, but if we work together, I am certain we can find our feet in this world after the Apocalypse.

     Also, and in keeping with my platform, I will organize a six-year canned food drive, with the goal of filling Sullivan Arena from floor to ceiling with Green Giant and Del Monte products. To ensure the project will work, I will appoint local members of the Mormon Church to head the effort.

     Further, we’ll need torches. Clearly after our society collapses, all those who survived will embrace medieval torch technology. To this end, I will instruct Alaska Department of Veterans Affairs director Craig Campbell to give compulsory talks on how to light and maintain torches in a highly radioactive environment.

     We as a municipality have at our disposal an efficient and well-maintained fleet of snow removal crews. Make no mistake: I will retrain them for corpse removal.
Through it all, we must not neglect our schools. As your mayor I will redirect all Permanent Fund dollars to revitalize our K-12 school system. While wandering around like desperate wolves in a nightmarish post global war world, won’t it be a load off our minds to know that our children are getting the best education possible?

     And the teachers that come here to educate our kids can rest assured they will be the highest-paid educators in the entire broken world. Of course, they’ll be paid in chunks of concrete, femur bones and bent pieces of rebar, but I can promise you something: those items will be hot commodities after the year 2012.

     I want to take a minute to address the Alaska Pipeline. Screw the pipeline. After 2012, it will be a Stygian river of fire, and its smoke will blot out the sun (Quatrain 73).

     Commercial fishing on our coasts is an industry that we can keep alive after the unspeakable horrors of 2012. This is because one fifth of our oceans will evaporate and fill the atmosphere with scalding steam. This, of course, will allow for easier purse netting operations, and greater ease of fish finding. A lot of the fish will be startled, boiled carcasses with little to no usable meat, but given the general state of affairs in this dark future time, I am sure it will be a thankful people that sit at that table of plenty (Quatrain 94).

     Now that I’ve made my platform clear and hopefully made you, the voters, feel a little better informed, I would like to allow some space for celebrity endorsements of my campaign.



Billy Dee Williams for Neil for Mayor:
    “Neil has it, baby. He’s the one and we all know it. Yeah.”




Meredith Baxter Birney for Neil for Mayor:
    “When I first met Neil I was so outlandishly wasted on vodka and Centrum Silver that I thought I was talking with Tempe, AZ mayor Neil Gulianni. Or maybe I was.”




Basketball Great Larry Bird for Neil for Mayor:
    “Whatever, I guess. Is this thing catered or what?”




Sally Jesse Raphael for Neil for Mayor:
    “He’s bold. He’s fresh. He’s our choice. Thank you.”





Adrian Zmed for Neil for Mayor:
    “When I was a regular on TVs T.J. Hooker, I used to imagine that my hair had the power to sway heads of state to bow to my wishes. I believe Neil is my hair.”



    Vote April 4.

   
   
   
   


Neil Zawicki, exiled Alaskan, is Editor at Large for Insurgent49, a former reporter for the Alaska Star, and winner of the Alaska Press Club's 'Best Columnist' award. He is now living out the rest of his days in an undisclosed location in Oregon. He can be contacted at -  neil@insurgent49.com
- Columnists -

Editor's Desk
by Aaron Selbig

Red Alert
by Soren Wuerth

Alaskan In Exile
by Neil Zawicki

The
Bramble Bush
by Kevin Morford





- also by this writer -
Copyright 2005 Insurgent Media. All Rights Reserved.
in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership.