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January 27, 2006
Alaskan in Exile
by Neil Zawicki
 
    Once in a while I get a little bit homesick while writing for Insurgent49. It was Selbig that named my column, and Exile is a good word for my situation. I enjoyed three intense years up there, and have many fond memories of my time.

    We’ve kicked around the idea of my returning to Alaska to work more closely with i49, and I’ve decided to consider the idea under one condition: that I am elected Mayor of Anchorage.

    That’s right. I will move back to Alaska if the people of Anchorage elect me mayor.

    As Mayor of Anchorage, I am certain I would bring a fresh and effective perspective to municipal government. And the fact that I have zero experience in politics only helps, because I figure the Municipality’s policies are so slipshod already that I will have no problem operating within their standards. Beyond that, I have very specific views on what will make Anchorage a better place for all residents. To that end, here is my platform:

    If elected, I will determine to make tourism illegal unless the tourists themselves obtain a “Visitors Visa.” This document, which will carry a $735 fee, will not only generate additional revenue for the state, but will ensure that no visitors will taint the summer with simple-minded spectatorship.

    To obtain the visa, tourism candidates must complete a one-week educational training battery. This course will begin at Fort Yukon, where a Native family will host the candidates for three days, requiring them to live and eat as they do. Next, visa applicants will be flown to Anchorage, where they will stay the night in Spenard with an irritable, alcoholic welder on break from his stint on The Slope. This host will make sure to get the applicants good and drunk before delivering them to the Hotel Captain Cook the next morning, where they will work a hungover shift as a bellman.

    After that, the applicants will be dropped of at Portage Glacier, and will be required to find their own way back to Anchorage, where, if successful, they will be presented with their visitor’s visa at the Brother Francis Shelter, and from there the graduates will be treated to a ham dinner at the upscale Eagle River home of Senator Fred Dyson.  However, if a candidate wishes to by-pass this grueling course, they may do so by urinating on the patio of Phyllis’s Salmon Bake.

    I also want to protect our children. To that end, any person caught cooking and
selling methamphetamine will be dragged into the street and shot in the forehead.

    Also, any gift shop owner that hangs a “Grand Opening” banner in front of their
store every season will be fined for misleading the erstwhile tourists who clearly pack the gear to be there, because they completed the educational training battery, or at least had the pair to urinate on the patio at Phyllis’s.

    Now that I’ve announced my candidacy for Mayor, I’m sure we all agree the next
logical step is to arrange a public forum debate with all candidates. But before that, I propose all of us candidates get together for a kayak race across Prince William Sound.

    That will certainly weed out the weaklings.
   
   

   
   
     
   







 




   

















Neil Zawicki, exiled Alaskan, is Editor at Large for Insurgent49, a former reporter for the Alaska Star, and winner of the Alaska Press Club's 'Best Columnist' award. He is now living out the rest of his days in an undisclosed location in Oregon. He can be contacted at -  neil@insurgent49.com
- Columnists -

Editor's Desk
by Aaron Selbig

Red Alert
by Soren Wuerth

Alaskan In Exile
by Neil Zawicki

The
Bramble Bush
by Kevin Morford





- also by this writer -
Copyright 2005 Insurgent Media. All Rights Reserved.
in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership.