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December 16, 2005
Red Alert
by Soren Wuerth

When We Were in for an Attitude Adjustment

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.
                — Helen Keller, socialist

     The National Attitude Index began as something of a joke.

     The NAI would move erratically between five and 95 percent, and Americans, for the most part, would dismiss the numbers with a chuckle.

     For a spell, late night talk show hosts used the index in their comedy routines.

     Yet, owing to the credibility, durability and frequency given to the NAI by government officials, the rating began to gain legitimacy.

     The White House set up the NAI Center, a branch of the Office of Homeland Security, to prepare statistics and findings. Thick reports were pushed toward reporters at news conferences.

     The NAIC had an old, irascible spokesman who instantly became a darling of the media—a grandfatherly type who took reporters off guard with his dry, caustic wit.

     Thus, it wasn’t long before the NAI moved from the realm of farce to public acceptance.

     The index became more exact. The President smiled more often and his speeches were always upbeat.

     Following an unpleasant news event, the NAI would drop, but only a modest, quantifiable amount. With good news, and always in advance of Christmas, the NAI would lift.

     Once, a brutal bloodbath in Iraq took more than 100 American lives. Thousands of war protesters took to the streets. The New York Times reported both events, but an additional front-page headline informed readers the NAIC gauged the mood of the nation at “an untoward 23.2 percent.”

     Conversely, an unusually steep rise in the stock market was blamed for the concurrent increase in the NAI to 76.8 percent. Shoppers lined up gleefully in front of major retail chains.

     The major networks joined the enthusiasm over the almost-daily reports.

     In one broadcast, a university professor who spoke critically of a U.S. foreign policy initiative was identified with a negative NAI reading of –15 percent. When the professor filed suit, the television network claimed a production error had caused the negative number to overlay the scholar’s face.

     A settlement was negotiated, after which the judge purportedly exclaimed, “I wonder how many NAI points we’ve dropped just dealing with this NAI case?”

     Soon, people began to associate negative information with the NAI numbers. The regular bearer of ill tidings would invariably be accused of being a “NAIger,” and critical comments were “NAIgging.” Those unaccustomed to the abbreviation were, of course, “NAIve.”

     “You’re dipping the NAI!” became a popular expression for those delivering dour news.

     Complex social issues like poverty, institutional racism, and gentrification—already difficult to explain to an entertainment-addicted culture—were rarely mentioned, even in academia, for fear of an NAI label.

     As NAI became a part of a household’s vocabulary, so, too, did its corollaries enter the common vernacular: an “attitude alert” was announced when someone made even an analytical remark; “attitude altitude” became synonymous with a stimulating experience; and “kiss my attitude” an infrequent and disapproving slogan of a minority of disgruntled “Naigers.”

     There are varying opinions on why the NAIC eventually lost public support for its system. Some say it was the scientific finding that men tend to be more prone to NAIgging than women.  Others say there was a precipitous drop in the term’s use after teens adopted the acronym to describe marijuana.

     Most would agree, however, that the proposal of a U.S. Senator to issue a national ID card to every American with his or her average NAI number was the agency’s undoing.

     (In an ironic epilogue, nearly simultaneous to the NAIC’s folding mood rings returned to fashion.)






Soren Wuerth is perhaps Alaska's best known community activist. He resides in an undisclosed location in rural Alaska and can be reached at soren@insurgent49.com.
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in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership.