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| September 8, 2006 Red Alert by Soren Wuerth We’re In The Money!
Enjoy the week, friends, we’ve won a trifecta. Our first horse, the black one with the white tail, is an amateur. It crept from the shadows near the back straight to pull off a third place finish. We’ll call this horse “El Bureau.” El Bureau hasn’t had a very glamorous career up until now. Its jockeys (Hoover, Kelley, Sessions, Freeh, and Mueller) beat it mercilessly and it wandered, often, off the track. It is a tired horse, known more for its frequent and loud defecations than for pulling off a show at the wire. But there it was, passing, as it did the sickly stallion “Watergate” in ’72, “Vecogate,” a horse ridden by bug boy Ben Stevens. The race, for once, wasn’t fixed. Appearing second at the post: Peace Veteran. The Juneau-bred horse charged into a crowd quietly, its jockey in a blue and white Veterans For Peace sweatshirt. The scene was jubilant for Peace Veteran. This report from APRN’s Julia Carlisle: “The cheering crowd was made up of Juneau Chamber of Commerce members with a case of Alaskan beer and a banner saying, ‘We’re so proud of you.’” “Juneau Mountain Rescue members held a big American flag. Fellow National Guardsmen who had been in Iraq showed up in uniform. Buddies of the Guardsmen shook their hands and slapped them on the back. Tearful, but happy, wives gave their husbands big hugs and long kisses.” A helicopter pilot rode our second place finisher. APRN, again: “He asked for a moment to make what some might consider a surprising statement at a military homecoming.” “Our unit,” the pilot said, “really served with honor and a lot of pride. I still believe there are some big questions that need to be answered about the war and what got us there. I don’t think that Iraq, the land of mud huts and feudal architecture, was ever a threat to the shores of the United States.” Four of the helicopters pilot’s friends from Alaska died when a Blackhawk went down carrying “Arctic Cowboys.” “What the United States is doing now is proud and honorable ... but we need to start thinking about getting out,” he said. And way out in front, down the final stretch, our banker (we all expected him here, but so soon?) is a powerful, deep-chested, mountain of a horse named Hugo. Hugo’s been winning every American sweepstakes since he’s been running. Now, the slayer has claimed the Alaska stakes. Hugo led the track with oiled precision. The loudest cheers came from Alaska’s rural residents. Faced with, as an ADN editorial put it, “going cold in land with so much oil and money,” they have turned to a nation in another continent, Hugo’s Venezuela, for help. Venezuela is donating 1.2 million gallons of fuel to brothers and sisters in the bush. Go Hugo! With a sorry lot of novices in state government, riding lame horses like Corrupt Bastard, it sure didn’t take much for our triplets to win big this past week. Soren Wuerth is perhaps Alaska's best known community activist, and is the winner of the Alaska Press Club's 2006 'Best Columnist' award. He resides in an undisclosed location in rural Alaska and can be reached at soren@insurgent49.com. |
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