insurgent49

December 1, 2006
The Tao of Waitressing
by Lindsay Luckey, insurgent49

I get paid to talk and laugh with people all day. I have to be at work by 11. I’m better at my job if I’m a little hung-over or sleep deprived. I leave my work at work.

I am a waitress.

I was taught growing up, not by overt explanation but by how I observed people treating waitresses, that they were a subhuman group. They were stupid or slow or forgetful or not nice enough or slutty looking or (fill in waitress stereotype here).
A member of my extended family to remain nameless would MORTIFY the rest of us with her treatment of wait staff.

“Do you have any Earl Gray?” she would snap as our waiter passed.

“Excuse me, what was that?” he’d politely and reasonably ask.

Cold laser beam eyes focused on the incompetent fool.

“I SAID … DO YOU HAVE ANY EARL GRAY?!” she said with clear condescending enunciation.

The rest of us, with head in hands or slouched lower in chairs with red faces, would try to mouth “we’re so sorry” or apologize with our eyes. Sorry to servers around the world that we didn’t tell her to shut up, as I’m sure she’s left a trail of sobbing waitresses in her wake. I think the experiences were so negative for me that I had a taste aversion to eating food not from my house after that.

It’s not like I couldn’t have another job. I’ve done lots of different things and have a transferable skill set (thanks college career counselor!) I’ve been a coffee girl, for instance, in a couple of the 9.3 billion drive-through coffee shacks in town. I worked as support staff for a legislative committee in Oregon. I was an English teacher in Japan. I’ve also had phone-answerer, copy-maker, errand-runner, time-waster office jobs. This is where I honed my skills for entertaining myself no matter how bleak the outlook. I worked in the corner of a conference room with, get this, NO COMPUTER. So, like MacGyver, I took random office supplies but instead of making a bomb or booby trap, I made art.

“Hey Lindsay what’s happenin’. Listen, I’m gonna need you to make 400 copies of this TPS…uhhh…what’s that?

“Oh this? I call it ‘just because you’re a mid-level manager doesn’t make you better than me’. I used a Styrofoam cup, paper clips, highlighter and sticky notes.

Bewildered eyes.

“Oooohkay. Well, yeah. 400 of this one please. Before lunch please.”

Three of my favorite things to watch are Office Space (movie) and the two versions of The Office (BBC and NBC). I’m not the only one, either. These shows are popular because people can RELATE with these shows. And it scares people. “I’m laughing so hard because my office is EXACTLY like that but I’m close to tears because my office is EXACTLY like that.” I certainly felt that way after a couple of short stints in offices and I’ll tell you, I was pretty depressed about the prospect of growing up. It seemed that at some point everyone was destined to work behind a desk with buzzing fluorescent lights above and tasks that sucked your spirit dry and slowly sapped your will to live.

Turns out that is not necessarily true.

I’m a waitress and I love it.

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