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February 16, 2007
The Tao of Waitressing
by Lindsay Luckey, insurgent49

     HLLO INSRGNTS! HPYVDAY! 

     Hope everyone had a nice VD-Day. Whoops, I mean V-Day.  Ok, Valentine’s Day. 

     I have a love hate relationship with word shortenings.  I like a good acronym, especially of the inside joke variety, appearing secret code-like and obnoxious to the outside observer but hilarious and informative to friends.  Most professions use language shortcuts, too, so that they aren’t faced with saying things like “human resources department” more than once during the course of a business day.  Those kinds of shortenings I have no problem with, but I really can’t stand txt mssgng tlk and above all prsnlzd lcsns plts.  ANNYNG.

     Personalized license plates + me = LUV/HAT. 

     I know that hate is not an appropriate response to dropping a few vowels and adding numbers to help shorten a phrase, yet it is how I feel.  I love that I have something to do while sitting in traffic: figure out what exactly I hate the person in the car in front of me for. Part of it is an aesthetic thing; I don’t like the way the words looks.  Due to that six letter limit, personalized license plate drivers often shoo the vowels out, leaving something that looks like an eastern European name.  But I like word games and I like the challenge the personalized license plate offers, figure me out and know what makes my driver annoying.

     Are they preachy?  (UNDJSUS)

     Advertising/Desperate? (GR8LVR)

     Redundant? (76CHEVY)

     Proud? (SPRMOM) 

     Insulting? (USUCK)

     I truly appreciate the activity, but find it hard to imagine the kind of person who, when faced with picking one defining message for their daily journey through the streets of Anchorage, would really choose PRNCS7.  And that there were 6 people before her with the same intention.

     I asked my friend for her feelings on the topic and I learned that she in fact had a personalized license plate. Dilemma.  I like and respect my friend, but have already exposed my abhorrence for the practice.  Her’s is a non-confrontational one though.  A part of her last name and a number after, one for each in the family.  Like an inside joke or a fun little thing that connects them.  Ok, I can deal with that.  It’s not meant for me. 

     When asked why women wear jewelry, I heard someone respond, “to attract men”.  I thought, hmm … there are lots of reasons why I wear jewelry and that’s not a reason that immediately comes to mind.  Most of my jewelry has a story attached like “found in flea market in Thailand” or “gift from my sister” etc.  I like the way it looks and I feel good when I wear it.  It’s a little extra thing that I like and it’s mostly for me.  If men are attracted to that, like a peacock’s feathers or a particular scent, that’s only an inadvertent effect. 

     Now, back to cars.  The reason that this issue came to mind was recently I saw a huge, monstrosity of a truck with shiny rims, dual exhaust, tinted windows and that had definitely not gone more than a day without waxing.  Looming at least two feet above the rest of the vehicles in the parking lot, this testosterone machine had neon lights surrounding it’s … guess what?  Yes, personalized license plate.    

     But the joke was on me.  If you’re like me or my friends or many women I know, when seeing a truck like that, we immediately assume a few things about that man.  Primarily that it’s extension of the man and that a truck of that size must be in order to make up for a lack in other areas. 

     So what did the plate read?  KMPNS8.

     He beat us to the punch line. The car I drive has no recognizable paint color at the moment due to accumulated dirt, is missing a hubcap and, if one peered into the window, they would be able to count at least eight empty latte cups.  So maybe he just likes his truck … wants to put his time, energy and money into that. The way some women put their time, energy and money into things like their bodies, hair, nails, clothes, accessories and so on.  He went a little further than I find tasteful but there are plenty of women who wear too much makeup too.

     Do we do these things for the benefit of the opposite sex?  Perhaps in part. Maybe these things help people feel confident, which is often desirable in prospective partners.  Maybe it’s just for fun.

     WHONOS?

     WHTEVR.






     Lindsay Luckey is a waitress and aspiring Renaissance woman. She lives and works in undisclosed locations in downtown Anchorage, and can be reached at lindsay@insurgent49.com.

     'The Tao of waitressing' appears on insurgent49.com every Friday.
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The Tao
of Waitressing
by Lindsay Luckey







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in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership.