| Dissertation by Dr. Otto Gillespie I don’t really want to be doing this. I hate columns, columnists, op/ed pages in general, and I can think of several things I’d rather be doing right now than sitting here blathering on and on to you people. As a matter of fact, kiss my ass. If you want to read a fancy op/ed piece written by some high-minded liberal pussy, I’m sure you’d enjoy the erudite prose of Bob Herbert or Paul Krugman over at the New York Fucking Times, so why don’t you just go there now and save us all some time. The sooner I get fired from this “column”, the sooner I can get back to my gin martini. A couple of questions: 1. Why is the APD hassling jaywalkers downtown when it can’t solve a fucking murder case without bringing in the FBI and Seattle homicide? I’m 68 years old, for Christ’s fucking sakes, maybe it takes me a little longer to cross 4th Avenue than it used to, what of it, pigs? Meanwhile, while you’re busy writing me a ticket for jaywalking, there’s a pack of ravenous street thugs sodomizing a nun with a broom handle in the alley behind Rumrunners. 2. How come, in every picture of Lisa Murkowski that appears in the ADN, she looks like an angry banshee loaded up on methamphetamine? Don’t fuck with Lisa, she’ll lurch forward and bite your face off. 3. Speaking of the ADN, how many stories have they printed from Anchorage’s own ace Iraq correspondent Dahr Jamail? That’s right, zero. Not even a ‘local boy makes good’ story. That takes the media’s newfound fear of war dissent to a new level, ADN. Congratulations. 4. Why is it that, at every war protest, someone always comes up with the brilliant idea of joining hands in a circle and singing? Don’t get me wrong, I love a good protest. The angry signs, the protest babes, the yelling … I’m hip to all that but as soon as I hear the first couple of lines of ‘Give Peace A Chance’, I’m headed to Darwin’s for an important meeting with my good friend Jim Beam. Still here? Well then I guess you deserve a little treat for sticking around. Here’s some genuine wisdom from an old man with a Ph.D. and eleven felony convictions. If you want to make it to 68 with your nuts intact, don’t get married, don’t listen to the Eagles, and don’t take mescaline in an Albuquerque strip club with anyone who claims to be a Navajo ‘medicine man’. And, for fuck’s sakes, don’t believe everything you read in the papers. By the way, if you’re an attractive young lady between the ages of 18 and 30 who doesn’t have any hang-ups about booze, cigarettes, or European porn, I’m available. I’ll see the rest of you next week. Now get bent. Yours,
Dr. Otto Gillespie Director, Insurgent Radio Research Team |
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Reserved. in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership. |
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