| August 26, 2005 Editor’s Desk by Aaron Selbig It’s been a clandestine week here at Insurgent Headquarters. (Warning:
Satire follows. For those with low tolerance to satire or the inability
to recognize it, it is recommended that you immediately cease reading
this column and go back to your regularly scheduled diet of HoHos and
People Magazine. Thank you.)
Ladies and gentlemen, friends, insurgents ... I ask for your attention at this crucial hour in American history as I deliver the following important directive from Insurgent Headquarters: It’s time to assassinate Yoko Ono. That’s right, I said it. And don’t give me any of that hand-wringing “it’s just not right to call for the assassination of Yoko Ono” bullshit. You can pretend all you want that you’ve never thought about assassinating Yoko Ono, but I know better. After all, she broke up the band, man. The list of Yoko Ono’s crimes against humanity (and, more specifically, American pop culture) is long and truly sordid. Here are just a handful of examples: - caused John to cheat on and subsequently divorce first wife, Cynthia (which also led to his near abandonment of five year-old son, Julian) - is a talentless hack - is the second most reprehensible coattail rider in rock music history (Art Garfunkel) - continues, to this day, to wear those stupid wrap-around sunglasses - she broke up the band, man And so ... now that all of the necessary damning evidence has been gathered, and Yoko Ono has been found guilty of breaking up the Beatles, it is time to recommend a course of action. Assassination is, of course, the only answer. And we don’t mean some amateurish and messy mob-style hit, either. The only folks we can think of who are truly qualified to carry out the assassination of Yoko Ono, as a matter of fact, would be the CIA. They have the experience (Castro, Noriega, Saddam, etc.), the resources and the personnel. It should be easy. Ms. Ono, unlike so many third world dictators and terrorists, is rather easy to locate. She resides in New York City and can frequently be spotted wandering around Manhattan, hanging up her dumb poems and photographs. Should be a piece of cake. Hold on a second ... I’m being summoned by the I-49 Board Of Directors ... be right back ... I would like to apologize for suggesting the assassination of Yoko Ono. It was wrong-headed and morally misguided of me to do so. Although I still believe Yoko Ono to be an untalented boob who broke up the Beatles, I now recognize that calling for her assassination was a mistake. I am truly sorry. Regards, Aaron Selbig Editor, Insurgent Media AK |
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August 19, 2005 August 12, 2005 August 5, 2005 July 29, 2005 July 22, 2005 July 15, 2005 July 8, 2005 July 1, 2005 June 24, 2005 June 17, 2005 June 10, 2005 June 3, 2005 May 27, 2005 May 20, 2005 May 13, 2005 May 6, 2005 April 28, 2005 April 21, 2005 April 14, 2005 April 7, 2005 April 1, 2005 |
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| Copyright 2005
Insurgent Media.
All rights reserved. in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership. |
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