| July 22, 2005 Editor’s Desk by Aaron Selbig It’s been a supreme week here at Insurgent Headquarters. Earlier this week, President Bush nominated some white guy to the Supreme Court. The interns here at Insurgent Headquarters tell me his name is John something or other. I saw a picture of him in the New York Times yesterday and he looks ... well ... like a white guy. He’s got that ‘parted perfectly three-quarters from the left’ white guy haircut, the official ‘I’m a powerful white guy’ business suit and red tie, and, judging from the confident, smarmy grin plastered all over his white guy face, he appears to have all the charm and intellect necessary to breeze through his Senate confirmation hearings. Terrific. Sandra Day O’Connor is pissed, by the way, telling reporters today that she’s “disappointed” that Bush didn’t pick another woman to fill her seat. Laura Bush, who had made public comments last week voicing a wish that her husband would appoint a woman, has decided to punish him by denying him sex AND bedtime stories for a whole week. Even Ann Coulter, the rabid Rottweiler trained by German zookeepers to write columns, is not pleased, saying that President Bush was merely “pretending” to court female nominees for the Supreme Court. Ouch. And I thought we had problems here at I-49 with angry emails about our all-white-guy columnist staff and sexism accusations being hurled at Neil Zawicki. [For the record: the columnist position has been offered to two women who both turned it down, and Neil Zawicki is no sexist.] What’s a poor white guy to do? As a white guy myself, I think it would behoove all of us to just take a deep breath, calm down for a second, and see what this John Roberts is all about. After all, John Lennon and Albert Einstein were white guys, right? They’re not all bad. So ... just hang on a second here ... and I’ll go get on the internet and see what I can find out about this Roberts fella. Okay ... hang on ... I’ll be right back ... (musical interlude)
(maybe some Miles Davis or, if you prefer, Linda Ronstadt) Okay, I’m back. Here’s what I found out. Nothing. It turns out that the only thing more milktoast than John Roberts’ appearance is his judicial career. In twenty-five years of practicing law, Roberts has made absolutely zero noteworthy contributions to his profession. He is quite obviously a lapdog lackey, having spent his entire career in D.C. sucking up to politicians (which has finally paid off for him in a big, bold, beautiful way). Huh. So much for that. Too bad Johnnie Cochran passed away earlier this year. Now there was a lightning rod of an attorney ... and a funk soul brother, to boot. I suppose to really find out just what kind of a white guy this John Roberts is, we’ll all have to wait a couple of decades and examine his Supreme Court opinions. At only fifty years old, he’ll have plenty of time on the bench to make his mark. And who knows? Maybe he’ll surprise us by ruling in favor of Guantanamo detainees or repealing excessive tobacco taxes or something. In the meantime, President Bush’s loss is our gain. I do hereby offer a columnist position to Sandra Day O’Connor, Ann Coulter, and Laura Bush. Ladies ... any takers? Regards, Aaron Selbig Editor, Insurgent Media AK |
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July 15, 2005 July 8, 2005 July 1, 2005 June 24, 2005 June 17, 2005 June 10, 2005 June 3, 2005 May 27, 2005 May 20, 2005 May 13, 2005 May 6, 2005 April 28, 2005 April 21, 2005 April 14, 2005 April 7, 2005 April 1, 2005 |
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Insurgent Media.
All rights reserved. in-sur-gent (in sur'jent), n. 1. a member of a group which revolts against the policies of its leadership. |
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