Its been a maddening week here at Insurgent Headquarters.

     Gubernatorial jets that just won’t return to the hangar, high-paid aides sucking off the GOP teat, guns in bars – the headlines from Juneau just keep getting more and more bizarre the closer we get to the end of this year’s legislative session. Hey, Juneau! Go on vacation already, for Christ’s sakes! As a matter of fact, the most reassuring story out of the Capitol was last weekend’s temporary shutdown due to juvenile squabbling over the pension fund. Good. Wrap it up early before you can do any more damage, people. Its a sad state indeed when your government operates best when its not operating at all.

     But then, just when we thought it couldn’t get any more insane, Juneau hits us with this:

House Oks Card Room Gambling

     You’re kidding, right? Gambling? When I read that ADN headline, I snorted coffee out of my nose (I’m OK, just some minor sinus inflammation) and had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t in Reno.

     Maybe the state legislature read my column last week about Alaska’s shameful habit of blatantly ignoring the fact that we lead the nation in a wide range of social ills. Sexual assault, child abuse, alcoholism and drug abuse, the list goes on and on. And now, proud Alaskans, you can add another.

     Gambling.

     Fanfuckingtastic.

     Why stop there, Pete Kott? Why not hookers, too? How about crack? Cockfights! Why not just put all of them together in one of your fancy, upscale “card rooms” and have crack-addicted prostitute Rottweillers tear each other apart for the entertainment of you and Perry Green?

     And what the hell is a “card room”, anyway? Is that where all of you Petroleum Club pigs are going to gather now to smoke cigars, make backroom deals, and guffaw over how us simple-minded lemmings are footing the bill for your every princely whim?

     Don’t get me wrong, we’re not prudes over here at I-49, we’ve been to Vegas (the prime rib and cheap G&Ts alone are worth the trip) and we even occasionaly bust out the cards for a round of Michigan Rummy in the boardroom during a slow news week. But this ain’t Vegas. This is Alaska, home to a higher percentage of suicidal alcoholics than Nevada could ever dream of. The last thing we need here is gambling.

     However, in the spirit of compromise, we have a suggestion for Pete Kott and his card rooms that will keep his poker buddies happy while preventing a larger socio-economic disaster for the rest of us.

     Make the card rooms legal only for white men who make at least $100,000 a year.

     Why not? It’s what you want anyway, isn’t it? You don’t want any grubby heathens in your little private Monaco, do you? You certainly don’t want any women or minorities ruining ‘good ol’ boy’ time, do you? So just do it. White men only. Don’t worry, we’re not going to call you on your elitist bullshit this time. Us simple folk have enough problems, we don’t need gambling.

     As a matter of fact, we fold.