It’s been a busy week here at Insurgent Headquarters. First, we lost our research director, Dr. Gillespie, to yet another trumped up federal investigation into his allegedly nefarious activities. Then, the very next day, we were pleasantly surprised to find that I-49 received a plug in the Anchorage Daily News. A very big thank you for that goes out to Sheila Toomey, legendary ADN reporter and mother of the ‘Alaska Ear’. Insurgent49.com reached over 700 new souls in one day because of that plug. Excellent ... (rubbing of hands together and flashing of mischievous grin) ... our diabolical plan is beginning to work.

      It’s a good time of year, in general, for the birth of new and exciting endeavors. Signs of another rapturous Alaskan summer abound all over Anchortown. There are geese on the Park Strip, the air is crisp with the invigorating scent of pollen and dog turds, and the snow is receding faster than Uncle Ted’s hairline. At Insurgent Headquarters, perched atop a nondescript downtown gift shop overlooking beautiful 4^th Avenue, we’re anxiously awaiting the arrival of the ultimate sign of Alaskan summer.

     Tourists.

     It’s okay ... we can talk about them behind their backs ... they’re not here yet, after all, they’re in Wisconsin, packing their bags full of L.L.Bean windbreakers and high-end digital cameras, waiting for a really kick-ass travel package to appear on the internet (they’re going to need one, too, what with the extra 4% bed tax they don’t even know about yet ... suckers). We just can’t wait for them to get here so we can be treated to the amusing sight of grown men (some of them grizzled war veterans), laden with shopping bags, trying to fish the camera out of a pocket while their wives frantically demand to have their picture taken in front of a six-foot tall stuffed grizzly bear.

     It’s not that we detest tourists here at HQ, at least not most of them. That would be financially irresponsible. After all, the boatload of cash they spend annually on ‘Alaska’ t-shirts, ‘Alaska’ hats, and those cute little moose poop candy dispensers represents a sizable chunk of our local economy. Where would Alaskans be without the tourists? That’s right ... living in igloos, chewing on muktuk, bored out of our skulls. Also, if Alaska is going to prostitute itself to the lowest bidder, I suppose tourists make gentler johns than oil companies.

     And so ... in keeping with the long tradition of Alaskan hospitality, I’d like to propose a new plan to promote tourism and to keep the summer visitors coming back year after year. Let’s give the tourists something they can really use, not some crappy Taiwanese sweatshop-made t-shirt. Let’s give them something we have an abundance of and they have a desperate need for:

     Oil.